


The midnight list.

by Lorirose



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-24 16:23:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14359164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lorirose/pseuds/Lorirose
Summary: Three months after Robert moved back in, Aaron finds a notebook hidden in the back of the bookcase. It shows him a side to his husband that he had never known was there. Now he isn't sure he has the words to talk Robert back from the edge.





	1. Behind the smile

Aaron.  
• The sun is beautiful and I love the summertime.  
• But I like the snow as well.  
• Every day is a new day. Tomorrow it might not be so bad.  
• Mum loved me.  
• Birds singing.  
• Sunrise. Sunset.  
• Vic’s laughter.  
• Liv’s smile.  
• Aaron.

I sank down further against the wall and pulled the little blue notebook closer to my face. A series of unfortunate events had led me to finding it. A misplaced shoe, a stumble into the bookcase and the dictionary thudding to the floor. At first, I had thought it was one of Liv’s sketchbooks but the pages were to worn and used to be one. The first few hastily scrawled words had been a sharp knife through my gut.  
Reasons to breathe.

• I deserve to be here.  
• I’m not a mistake or a disappointment.  
• Dad was wrong.

The list was long. It had taken up half of the pages. The deeper into them I got the more desperate the handwriting became and the reasons more abstract. Every single word came from a place that I hadn’t realised existed within Robert. A secret world of pain and suffering that he so easily hid from me. I asked him whenever I thought that his smile had dimmed but he always reassured me with pretty words and a kiss. Why hadn’t I looked again? He always did.  
I sniffed and dragged the sleeve of my hoodie underneath my nose. The only sound in the house was the ticking of the clock and my own fractured breaths. Tears stung my eyes and blurred my vision, almost falling onto the paper. I turned the page and almost couldn’t read the writing.

• Vic would cry.  
• Diane would cry.  
• Aaron might?  
• Rebecca would win.  
• Aaron might love me again.  
• It would be messy. It might hurt.  
• I won’t be able to prove that I can be a better man.

Water had smudged a few sentences and my soul ached at the thought of Robert pouring his heart out while in tears. Had he been close to doing something stupid only to be stopped by a list? He must have realised that even though I fought against it, I would always love him. He was the other half of me. Sometimes I couldn’t breathe without him. My everything. Didn’t he know? He thought I might cry if anything happened to him. Truthfully, I would spiral out of control with no one to bring me home.  
The vibration of my phone on the table nearly made me jump out of my skin and I clambered to my feet to read the text.

Home in a few. Can we have pizza tonight? X

He could have pizza every day if it meant he kept smiling and breathing. I returned the notebook to its hiding spot and slid the dictionary back into place just as Robert’s car pulled up in the driveway. There was barely enough time to scrub my hands down my face to erase the lingering tears before he strolled in. The entire house seemed to light up with him inside it. Casually, he tossed his keys and phone onto the table and draped his coat over the banister. He didn’t look like a man who had resorted to writing lists on why he should stay alive. He was bright, magnetic and smiling. There were no shadows in his eyes even though now I knew they were there. I just had to find them.

“Hey,” He greeted, “You look tired. Everything ok?”

I smothered down the high laugh that wanted to escape and nodded mutely. He quirked an eyebrow and stepped into my space, concern alight in expressive eyes. I wanted to cry; how had anyone thought this man was cold hearted? He opened his mouth and I threw my arms tightly around his neck. The force of my embrace nearly knocked us off balance before Robert steadied himself and gave a bewildered laugh. I shoved my face deeper into his neck and clutched at the fabric of his shirt. He felt so solid and alive in my arms with a strength I wished I had. Strong arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me a little bit closer. I went willingly, moving one hand to toy with the soft hairs at the nape of his neck.

“Are you sure you’re ok, Aaron?”

“Yeah. Just missed you,”

Robert broke our hold and pressed his lips carefully to mine. His kisses were the same as always, tender and full of a love for me and life. He wasn’t fragile or crumbling to the ground. I just couldn’t understand. I pulled back and swiped my fingertips down his jawline. I wanted to ask, I just didn’t know how.

“How are you?” I asked.

“Great now that I’m home. So, pizza?”

I nodded and picked up the phone, Robert rattled off his order even though I knew it better than my own and declared he needed a shower. The secret in the bookcase was a heavy knowledge in the back of my mind. It meant he was hiding from me again.  
………………………………………

I paid the delivery guy and placed the pizza boxes carefully on the counter. Every so often, I heard Robert singing along happily to the radio. At least, he sounded happy to me. I used to think I could read him so well but I was thrown. Perhaps I didn’t.

“Pizza’s here, Rob,” I yelled.

“Coming.”

I divided the pizzas up on paper plates as Robert thudded down the stairs. He wrapped his arms lazily around my hips and pressed a warm kiss to my cheek. I took a deep breath in and smiled at the citrus scent of his expensive shower gel.

“Get some beers, Rob.”

He padded barefoot over to the fridge and grabbed a few bottles, wandering into the lounge yawning widely. I treasured that I was the only person in the world who go to see him without the sharp wit and pressed shirts. He had chosen to steal a pair of my jogging bottoms and paired it with an old batman T-shirt that had seen better days. But he looked comfortable and content.

“Where’s Liv?” He asked as I handed him a plate.

“With Mum. Something about a catch up. I didn’t really ask.”

Robert laughed and ran the tip of his finger down my nose playfully. I swiped at his hand with a chuckle. He took his plate and nestled into the sofa arm, motioning for me to turn on the television. A rather large part of me didn’t want to, I would have been happy just to hear him breathe but I didn’t want him to worry. The theme tune to a police drama that Liv enjoyed burst into life. Robert pulled a face but settled down again, picking up his pizza. It took a lot of work for me to swallow my mouthful of pizza and I chewed slowly until he had finished his.

“You’re staring, Aaron.”

I flushed and picked at a stray thread on my hoodie, “Sorry.”

He bumped his knee against mine, “It’s fine. Do you like what you see?”

My face was on fire but I nodded, “Like you even need to ask that. You’re gorgeous,”

Those soft eyes turned to me to mush. Nobody had ever loved me as much as Robert did. I knew that now. Even when he got it wrong he still loved me. I prayed that he could read my emotions in my face as I picked up his hand and played with his fingertips.

“You’re not so bad yourself. Are you sure you’re ok? You’re awfully quiet,”

I kissed his knuckles, “It’s just been a long day, that’s all,”

The sofa dipped as Robert adjusted his position to stroke my face. He danced a hand underneath my eyes so carefully that I barely felt it.

“You do look tired. Do you want to go to bed early?”

“Will you come with me?”

“Yeah. C’mon.”

He switched the television off and herded me upstairs. If he shared the bed with me then I would know if he left.  
……………………………………………………………….  
2:34 AM.

Sleep came in small bursts that I couldn’t fully capture. It always came with the same fear. Robert had been so low that he had wanted to die. My beautiful husband who was my strength had almost given up. I had let my anger blind me to his pain. But hadn’t I done that so many times before? Shoved him aside for Gordon, Liv, prison and even Mum on occasion. Had I somehow made him think that he couldn’t come to me? Even when we were broken up, all he would have needed to say was one word and I would have come running.  
I rolled over and burrowed into Robert’s side. He had lost weight, not a lot but enough to be noticeable. His ribs were much closer to the surface and his hip bones jutted out. In the dim bedside light, I trailed my fingertips over his exposed chest critically. I searched for new scars on his skin, proof that he had followed in my footsteps. I pushed myself up on one elbow and peered closer at a mark on his shoulder. Panic bloomed in my chest and I couldn’t decide if it was a scar or a cluster of freckles that I had forgotten about. If Robert was going to hurt himself like that, he would be clever about it. There are ways to hurt without leaving scars. I bit my lip and moved until I was laying almost on top of him, soothed by his steady heartbeat. Instantly, his arms came up and wrapped around my waist as he sighed into my shoulder.

“I love you,” I whispered. “How can I help you?”

He didn’t answer me. Part of me thought he never would.  
…………………………….

• Aaron said yes.  
• Aaron forgives me.  
• Aaron loves me.  
• I am worth it.  
• They were wrong.

There were more.

For all my efforts, he had added more. I had tried so hard to make him smile, to be kinder and softer to him and it still hadn’t been enough. Was he closer to the edge or had he been convinced to take a step back? He had gone to work happy today. We had a passionate night before, he had been wild and perfect beneath me. Wrecked in a way only I could do. He told me so.

• Chas is just protecting Aaron.  
• Liv is protecting Aaron.  
• You need to prove to them that you’re worthy to be family again.

I shoved the book into my pocket and sprinted out of the door. Had Mum said something to Robert to make him like this?  
……………………………………

I burst into the Woolpack during a lull in service, it was empty a part from a tourist in the far booth. Charity glanced away from her phone as I pounded up to the bar, my heart racing a mile a minute.

“Where’s Mum?” I snapped.

“Uh, getting another barrel. She’ll be back in a second. Are you ok?”

I snorted, “God, I wish people would stop asking me that. I’m fine. That’s not why I’m here.”

“You don’t need to bite my head off.” She grumped and turned back to her phone.

Mum strolled up to the bar and smiled softly. I grabbed her wrist and gently pulled her out back. She stiffened in surprise but didn’t pull away and followed me. I let her go once we got to the living room and paced the space. It felt like I was betraying Robert but I needed help. I couldn’t afford to make a mistake. Mum was suddenly in front of me, steady hands on my arms and bringing me to a stop. I stared beseechingly into her eyes, begging her to fix it.

“I don’t know what to do,” I said and my voice sounded so small I didn’t recognise it. “What do I do, Mum?”

“Talk to me, love. What’s happened?”

“It’s Robert,”

That was all I needed to say before her face darkened and her lip curled. The bottom fell out of my stomach. I had seen Mum look at Robert like this before. They day I told her that we wanted to try again. She had been disgusted and bewildered that I could forgive him. She made her hatred for him clear and he saw it every day. Endured it because he loved me. I dropped my head and hid my face behind my palms.

“What’s he done this time?”

“No. No. No. He hasn’t done anything wrong. Please. This isn’t his fault. I don’t know how to help him,”

Mum pulled my hands away and to my relief her face had softened a little.

“What are you talking about?”

I showed her the book, my fingers trembling as she took it from me and flipped it open.

“I found this in the bookcase at home. He wrote it. I think…I think he wanted to…do something stupid,”

As she read it, her expression dropped and her eyes glistened. When she looked at me again, I saw the same helplessness that I felt.

“It might not be as bad as you think. Have you asked him about it?”

I hugged my arms to my chest and shook my head. “I don’t know what to say. But Mum, he’s added to it since he’s been home. He wrote the last page last night.”  
Maybe it was unfair to make her read it but I didn’t stop her as she opened it again and turned to the last page written in blue instead off black. I saw the exact minute his words struck home with her and she sank down into the chair behind her. I took the seat opposite and carefully eased the book out of her hands, tucking it into the pocket of my shirt. Mum blinked back the sheen in her eyes and sniffed.

“Oh love, I was so focused on you that I forgot that in his own way Robert was a victim too. Rebecca messed with his head, I know that, probably known it since day one. I never meant to make him think he wasn’t welcome,”

I furrowed my forehead, “Yes you did. I heard what you said to him. I’ve seen how you and Cain look at him. You tried to make him leave me again and I think you nearly succeeded. Please don’t drive him away. He’s sorry, Mum. He’s so sorry. You didn’t see him the first say he came home. I didn’t recognise him. The entire thing with Rebecca and the baby screwed him up. Please don’t hate him.”

Warm hands touched mine and I dragged my eyes away from the book. There was a new determination and understanding on Mum’s face and it made something in me ease a little. Perhaps she would help me save Robert from himself.

“I’m sorry, Aaron. You’re right, I was angry and I wanted to punish him but that wasn’t fair on either of you. I know I owe him an apology to. You don’t need my blessing to be with him but you have it. We’ll help him,”

“How? I can’t get through to him,”

“You know him better than anyone. Speak from your heart and he’ll listen.”

“I’m so scared I’m going to lose him.”

“This list means he’s still fighting. He loves you, Aaron. I really don’t think he wants to go anywhere,”

But sometimes the urge to end it snuck up on a person and if Robert wasn’t prepared then he couldn’t fight. He could lose clarity in a moment of desperation and never mean it. Just because he didn’t want to die didn’t mean that he wouldn’t do it. I opened my mouth to explain that to her but couldn’t find the words. She didn’t need to know that dark, ugly part of me that well.

“Will you help me help him, Mum?”

“Of course, I will. He’s family,”

I dropped my head to my hands and bit back tears.  
………………………………………………………………………….

“You’re looking at him like he’s going to disappear. He won’t, love,”

Logically, I knew that but I couldn’t shake the fear even as we sat safe in the pub. The Woolpack was full of friends and family, all of them could help me but I didn’t trust them too. Robert laughed brightly from his spot in a busy booth, his face alight. Liv had tucked herself underneath his arm, pretending to do her homework and stealing chips from my plate when she felt no one was looking. Vic had thrown herself down opposite him once her shift was over and had chatted away happily. Robert was relaxed and open in a way he hadn’t been before. After Rebecca’s lies, I didn’t ever think that I would see it again, I thought he would close himself up but he had opened up a little bit. Not enough but there was a door open now.  
I sighed and dragged my hands through my beard. Mum placed two beers down in front of me and cast a concerned glance at my husband. She didn’t even try to hide her concern.

“I feel like I could close my eyes and he’ll be gone. It’s driving me mad,”

“You need to talk to him for both your sake,”

“I know. There just never seems to be a good time to do it,”

“Make time. I’ll take Liv tonight. You can’t let this continue. If he’s really struggling like you think he is then you can’t leave it any longer. He might even be waiting for you to notice it. Maybe he doesn’t know what to say either,”

That didn’t sound like my Robert. Robert had always been the one to have a way with words. He could talk me out of a nightmare, a flashback or even just my latest scheme. He knew the right words to say, he had learnt my trigger words and the best way to charge through my defences. Yet even after all these years, I had never found the right words for him. I could never get passed the barriers around him unless he lowered the first one. I hated myself for it. Robert deserved someone who could chase away the demons but I only ever added mine to his. This time, however, it would be different and I would be the pillar of strength that he always had been for me.

I would be brave.

“OK. We’ll go in a minute, I just need to explain to Liv,”

Mum’s eyebrows raised, “You’re not going to tell her the truth, are you?”

“A watered-down version. I need to know if she’s noticed anything,” I spun around and called over the noise of the crowd, “Liv, come here! I need to talk to you,”

Liv scowled but obediently untangled herself from Robert’s arm and stomped over to me. Robert looked up in alarm but calmed when I smiled at him and motioned for Mum to take his pint over. I laced my arm over Liv’s shoulders and herded her into the back room. She barely let me get through the door before she turned curious eyes to me that were tinged with worry.

“What is it?” She asked, “Are you and Robert ok? He’s not leaving, is he?”

The terror in her voice made my heart skip a beat but a swell of affection rushed through me too. She loved Robert almost as much as I did. He was very much a part of our misfit family. I was so thankful that she recognised it now. I scrapped a loose strand of hair behind her ear and shook my head.

“Robert and I are fine. We’re perfect and he’s not going anywhere. But there is a conversation that we need to have. I need you to stay with Mum tonight. I’m sorry, I know we keep moving you about but I promise this is the last time,”

Liv bit her lip and didn’t look as upset as I expected her too. She played with her necklace nervously and I bent down to peer into her face.

“He’s not happy, is he?”

My breaths faltered, “What makes you think that?”

She toed the carpet, “I heard him crying a few days ago when you were at work. But when I went to talk to him he said he was fine,”

“Jesus,” I sighed.

“I didn’t mean to hide it but he seemed better the next day. I didn’t want to push him. I’m sorry,”

I tugged her into my arms and let her nuzzle into my chest. Of course, I had seen Liv tiptoeing around Robert last week. She had been overly nice to him, letting him chose what to watch and fetching him a drink when he had wanted one. I had put it down to her ever-changing mood.

“It’s ok, Liv.”

“He was talking to himself. It sounded like a list,”

If it had been anyone else I would have broken down right then. It was one thing to write it down in private but for him to be saying it alone aloud was heart breaking.

“I’ll fix it. I’ll make it better,”

Liv nodded and clutched at the fabric of my shirt. I buried my nose into her hair and just held on for a moment.

“Hey. Is everything ok?”

We jumped apart and turned to Robert as he hovered in the doorway. Even now, he looked unsure of his place in our lives. He saw Liv’s tearstained face and his eyes widened, hurrying across the distance to tilt her face up. My heart lodged in my throat, he never dreamed that those tears were for him. He dabbed at her cheeks with the sleeves of his jumper, his face tight with concern.

“What’s happened?” He said.  
Liv shook her head and threw her arms around him. Robert blinked and stared down at the head against his chest before he engulfed her and dropped a kiss to the crown of her head.

“I’m fine. Aaron was being mushy,” She accused.

I snorted wetly and Robert’s eyes jumped to mine.

“Mm, that sounds like him,” He teased and pulled Liv’s hood down over her eyes. “What was he saying?”

“Oh, you know, the usual,” I jumped in before Liv could.

My sister pulled back and smiled shyly at Robert before dashing out of the room and back to Mum. Robert watched her go and turned back to me in confusion. I held out my arms to him and rather bashfully he stepped into them. I pulled his head down to my shoulder and breathed in the scent of him. He sighed into my neck and pressed a kiss to my stubble. This man was my life and I would do anything to see him happy.  
…………………………………………

We strolled back home hand in hand beneath the stars. Robert shivered and I tugged him to a stop so that I could zip his leather jacket up underneath his chin. The cold air had turned his nose red and made his eyes water but he looked stunning. I couldn’t stop myself from brushing my hands through his hair.

“You know,” I said.

He smiled, “I know.”

He wrapped one arm around my shoulders and drew me carefully against his side, chafing one hand down my exposed arm. I leant into his side, savouring the feel of his body again, once I had been so sure I never would again. We had been driven so far apart that I hadn’t seen a way back. But now I knew that I had to fight for us just as much as Robert had. I couldn’t run anymore.  
Robert unlocked the door and held it open for me. I rolled my eyes playfully and couldn’t keep the smile from my face. He discarded his coat on the back of the sofa and moved to the kitchen to flick on the kettle. I kicked off my shoes and readied myself for a conversation that could go either way. Robert jumped as I wrapped my arms around him and tucked my nose between his shoulder blades.

“Are you happy, Rob?”

“Of course, I am. I’ve got you back,”

“You know you can tell me anything.”

He stroked my hands, “I know,”

“I mean it. If you’re sad or upset, I wanna know. You don’t need to keep it from me, I don’t want you too,”

He tried to turn in my grasp but I knew that if he did I wouldn’t be able to continue. He would find a way to disarm me with a well-placed flirt and a kiss. I couldn’t afford it this time. He huffed a little but relaxed against me when I caressed his stomach.

“I’d never keep anything important from you. I never could,”

“Even if you think you’re protecting me?”

He stiffened and even a kiss couldn’t thaw him, “What are you trying to say, Aaron?”

I heard the warning in his voice that hid an undercurrent of fear and took a deep breath. He was wound tighter than a spring, he was tense and waiting. I almost thought he had stopped breathing. I shook him a little bit and found his hands again.

“I think you’re keeping things from me because you think I don’t want to hear them,”

He flinched like I had struck him and he struggled so wildly that I had to surrender and let him move. The pure terror etched into his features broke my heart. All of the colour had drained from his face and his eyes were wide and fearful. His heart raced and tripped over itself underneath my palm. Robert reached out for me like he was afraid I would reject him, shaking his head harshly enough to disturb his hair and it flopped into his eyes.

“I’m not! I promise I’m not. Aaron, please, I haven’t done anything wrong. I’ve been good,”

He skipped a breath and my eyes widened as he missed the next one. I caught his chin between my thumb and finger but the panic didn’t fade instead it only seemed to grow.

“Hey, hey, Rob breathe. I know, ok? Calm down,”

“Don’t send me away. I can’t…I can’t do it again,”

The entire situation was spiralling out of control and Robert was starting to hyperventilate. I dragged him over to the sofa and pulled him down onto my lap. It always amazed me how a man of his size could make himself so small and this time it just hurt. I titled my head and he pushed his nose into the darkness of my neck.

“You’re not going anywhere, baby. This is your home. I’m sorry, it came out wrong. Oh, God, Rob breathe. C’mon, copy me.”

At my exaggerated breathing he stilled and slumped against me wearily. I raised his head and gulped at the trial of tears snaking down his cheeks. How had I missed this?

“I haven’t done anything,” He repeated, begging me to believe him, “Aaron, please.”

I kissed his forehead and he sucked in a shaky breath.

“I know, Rob. I’m not questioning that but we need to talk. No, don’t do that, we’re ok. Better than that, we’re amazing. But I don’t think you’re being honest with me. I need you to tell me exactly what you’re thinking,”

He blinked and offered me a parody of a smile, “I’m fine. Sorry, that took me by surprise,”

He tapped at my hands, a silent request for freedom and this once I denied him it. Instead, I shuffled backward and trapped him even further into my embrace. It unsettled him and he pawed at my arms, blunt nails ineffective against my hoodie.

“After that display we’re talking. Isn’t that what we promised to do? To talk when we’re upset?”

“I’m not upset, let me go,”

“Stop lying to me. I can’t watch you self-destruct anymore,”

“I’m not.”

I bowed my head to his shoulder as his breath punched out of him in ragged bursts. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him but this couldn’t be allowed to fester anymore. It threatened to take him away from me to somewhere I couldn’t reach him.

“I found your list, Robert!”

And just like that all the fight went out of him and he slumped into me.

“You weren’t supposed to see that,” He growled.

The complete lack of denial just proved to me how I nearly didn’t work it out in time. How he was balancing on a knife edge and imploding quietly. I tended to be loud and brash in my anger, directing it at a world that had torn me down time and time again. Sometimes I forgot that Robert held his anger and hurt inside until it ate him up. I slipped my hands underneath his shirt and caressed his tense stomach muscles.

“That doesn’t make it any better. Tell me it isn’t what I think it is,”

Robert covered his face in shaking hands, “I was in a bad place. I just needed reminders,”

With one hand I pulled the book out of my pocket. Robert flinched when he saw it and shame flooded his face.

“When did you start it?”

“Chrissie. She…I…it helped,”

“Why didn’t you talk to me?”

His answering smile was a sad and faded little thing. It ached to witness it. I held him tighter as if my arms alone could protect him.

“You were usually mad at me and I thought that I…you know,”

“No, I don’t,” I said and swivelled him around a little bit. There was something dark reflected in his eyes that I hadn’t seen in him before but I recognised it. “Don’t you dare think that! You haven’t done anything to deserve this,”

“Don’t I? After everything I’ve done, all the people I’ve hurt. Look at what happened to Katie. I had to try and remind myself that I can be good. These are the reasons I’m good,”

“You are good, Robert. Katie was an accident,”

Robert exploded out of my grip with an angry shout and stalked the small space in front of me. I stared up at him, this volatile cocktail of a man who could never see his own worth. Someone who was so kind and compassionate that the shadows in his own mind terrified him. I knew him better than anyone, nothing frightened him more than the monsters of his own creation. The danger he always thought he was.  
He dragged trembling hands through his hair and took three long paces to the fireplace. I started to stand but he snapped around a pinned me with a glare so ferocious that I froze.

“Don’t pretend that you haven’t thought the same. Especially after what I did. Let’s face it Aaron, it’s not something you can ever truly get over. I’ve broken us,”

Never before had I heard such self-loathing in his voice. It didn’t even sound like his.

“Robert no,”

“You think I haven’t seen it? How you hesitate to touch me sometimes? That you watch me a little closer when I’m around people. You’re just waiting for me to slip up again, aren’t you? Aren’t you?”

“No!” I shrieked and surged to my feet. “How can you say that? I was watching you because I thought that you were upset. Not because I don’t trust you. I’ve forgiven you,”

His laughter was mocking and twisted his lips to wide but tears fell, “How noble of you. Put me out of my misery, Aaron. Leave me, go on, I dare you,”

Tears splashed down my cheeks and left a hot burning trail behind that I didn’t even bother to hide. I would never try and deny any feelings for Robert again. I thought I had been subtle when I had watched him, terrified for him but he had always been to observant for his own good. Why wouldn’t he jump to the worst-case scenario? He stood before me, eyes blazing and fists clenched at his sides, his face wet and dark. Waiting for me to pass a judgement that would never come. He tensed as I stepped into his space, his gaze flickering to my hands then back to my face. I smiled at my beautiful broken man and cupped his jaw in my palms, stroking my thumb along his cheek bone. All at once, he seemed to stop breathing. So instead, I took a deep breath and felt a calmness settle over me. It was my turn to fight for him.

“I love you, Robert. There’s nothing you can do that will change that. Because I see you. I see who you’ve been and who you are. You’re the man who nearly drowned to save me. You believed in me when I hated myself, when I thought I’d only ever be a victim. And Liv, you found her! I went to jail and you still wanted me,”

“And then I slept with her,”

He tried to turn away but I would let him. I latched onto his eyes and refused to look away even when he started thrashing in my hold again.

“And then you slept with her,” I agreed softly. He let out a wounded wail and shut his eyes, “You hurt me and that wasn’t fair. I didn’t deserve it. For so long I was angry with you and I tried to forget you but I couldn’t. It’s always going to be you. Always. You’re it for me,”

For a long moment there was only silence between us and terror seized my heart. I had taken to long to speak out. This had been torturing him for over three months. He didn’t open his eyes and the tears kept flowing. I wrapped one hand around the back of his neck and tried to ground him. Even though he was standing in front of me, he had never felt so far away. Time was running out. I stretched up on my toes and pressed my forehead against him. He sobbed.

“You don’t have to be afraid anymore. I won’t send you away again. I’m so sorry that I did before. This is your home. I promise,” Finally, Robert opened his eyes and smiled weakly. I pressed a tender kiss to his lips. “OK?”

“OK. I love you,”

“I know,”

He sniffed and grimaced, “I need a tissue,”

I chuckled as he staggered away into the kitchen and out of sight. His little blue book lay abandoned on the sofa and I picked it up one last time. Robert sneezed suddenly and I jumped, the book tumbling out of my hands and back to the floor. Only this time, it landed on something I hadn’t seen before. Something else on the very last page that was hidden underneath the cover. The page had been folded and refolded so many times that it had almost disintegrated along the crease. I eased it out and carefully prised it open. The second I did the world around me went fuzzy at the edges. Because staring back at me was another letter. One that I had been thrilled to actually avoid. I didn’t think he had gotten this far. It fell from my fingers and disappeared underneath the table. I didn’t realise that my legs had given up until I felt the sofa beneath them. Anxious fingers touched my face and stroked my hair.

“Aaron? Darlin’ what is it? You’re scaring me,”

I was scaring him? Didn’t he know that he had terrified me? That he still was.

“What the hell is this?”


	2. I lived because of you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron has found out Robert's secret. It will take everything he had to convince Robert not to run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your wonderful support. My first story on this website couldn't have gone better. I hope this doesn't let anyone down.

_Aaron,_

_I never thought that I’d ever do this. You may have called me a coward once but I always thought that I would have the courage to face you head on. I don’t. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for a lot of things. But this isn’t a letter begging you to forgive me, we both know that you won’t. I’ve said the words so many times that they’re meaningless. No, I don’t want your forgiveness, I just want you to understand._

_I’m a weak man, Aaron. When it comes to you I have no defences and I truthfully can’t last a day without seeing you. I went to Rebecca that night to forget that you didn’t want me anymore. We were already over then, I saw it that day in prison. And yeah, maybe a small part of me did it to hurt you as much as you hurt me. But then I remembered you and me. I thought we could make it work again when you came home. So, I said no. And she didn’t listen. Here’s where you would say, why didn’t you push her off? She’s a woman and you’re a man. Well, I tired. I really did. But I was so drunk that I couldn’t even put one foot in front of the other. I’m sorry, Aaron. I never understood what it felt like to be helpless like that. I do now. The baby isn’t mine. I’m sure the entire village knows that by now. Look at the great Robert Sugden on his knees at last._

_Stay with Alex. Love him. Let him love you like I wanted to and show you the world like I had planned. Make him take you to the Grand Canyon and to Paris. In fact, Alex if you’re reading this over his shoulder there’s some things I need you to do. Make Aaron laugh, not a chuckle or a scoff, a real one where his eyes crinkle and he snorts. Point out patterns in the clouds and interesting pebbles on the beach to him. Take away his phone when he works to hard. Remind him on dark days that there are people who love him and that life is always worthwhile. And that it’s the little things that make us who we are. You’ve got my entire heart in your hands, Alex. It may not count for much anymore but look after him. He’s so special._

_Burn this letter and pawn the rings. I won’t need them where I’m going. Just remember that somewhere out there, is a man who loves you with everything he is. But there’s nothing but an early death for me here. A baby who isn’t mine, a woman who used me and a family who punished me for being human. I’ve got nothing left. No schemes, or plans, or even strength._

_So, that’s it. The last ramblings of Robert Jacob Sugden._

_I hope you have a fantastic life. You’re going to be incredible._

_All my love._

.............................................................. 

 "What the hell is this?"

The anger in Aaron's voice couldn't quiet hide the tremor. Frowning in bewilderment I glanced down at his hand and the world lurched sideways. Shame had me pinning my gaze on his knees as I slowly let my arms fall back to my side. He kept desperately trying to catch my eyes but I bowed my head and turned away. Why hadn't I burnt the letter and the book when I had the chance? It provided a small amount of comfort to know that it was there. I gulped and stood up, staggering back against the coffee table.

"Rob?"

"Its not what you think!"

Aaron spread the letter out on his knee and swallowed hard. I flinched. I wasn't sure that my heart was going to stay in my chest, I had never felt it beat so fast before. The walls were closing in on me. I pressed a shaking hand over my lips. Aaron tapped his fingertips against his thigh and the agony on his features cut me to the quick. 

"Are you sure? Because I know what this sounds like and I really don't think I could mistake it for something else,"

It had been a day so dark that I couldn't find a way out when I had written that letter. Rebecca had lied to me, Seb wasn't mine but it still didn't change what I had done. Aaron's chill hadn't thawed and his response had been a shrug and a snort. Liv delighted in telling me how much better of the were without me ruining their lives.

_"He's happy now. Alex makes him smile again. We don't want you here. Go away,"_

I wrapped my arms around myself and hung on so tightly that I left bruises on my skin. "I wasn't going to do anything,"

"Rob...I..did you really feel this way?"

I opened my mouth to speak but shut it and shrugged instead. How could I tell him that there were worse things crawling around in my head? The ones on the paper were just the ones that I could face. I winced at Aaron's sniffle and peeked at him. The bottom fell out of my stomach. He was trying so hard to be strong but I could see him beginning to falter. I don't think he even noticed the crescent indents he left on his palm. I unfurled his fingers and darted backward before he could grab me. Instead I plastered a grin so plastic to my face that it hurt and forced myself to relax. I would not hurt Aaron any more by being weak.

"I did but I'm fine now,"

And usually it would be enough to pacify Aaron. Sometimes he wanted to live in a world where his loved ones were always smiling. It ruined things when I was human. I headed toward the kitchen, intent on making that neglected cup of tea when I heard Aaron stand. His eyes were like lasers on my back and it seemed that the world was holding it's breath. I knew I was. 

"I don't believe you," 

It was said so quietly that I could almost convince myself that he hadn't spoken. Almost. The warmth was still ripped from my veins and the blood pounded in my ears. I spun around so quickly that I stumbled into the wall. Aaron had moved to stand in front of the sofa and held himself as if he was going into battle. His eyes were red and blazing in a challenge, his jaw locked and his arms tense. It was a stance I found myself adopting even though the last thing I felt was strong.

"What?"

Aaron glanced down and then back up at me, a new found determination in his eyes, "I said I don't believe you. You're lying to me. Again,"

_That's us! Broken into pieces and it's because of you._

"I'm not," 

It would never matter what I said. I was already guilty.

"Yes you are! Talk to me, Robert. Were you going to leave me?"

"N-no. I just needed to get my head on straight,"

Aaron stabbed his finger into the paper he still held so hard that it ripped, "You were saying goodbye!"

I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes and chocked back a sob that threatened to escape. Why couldn't he understand that every single second in this village without him had been a new form of torture? I had to stand and watch him forget me. See him kiss and hug Alex when it should have been me. I lost my home and my reason for breathing. So I had to make new ones that were never enough. Aaron was my everything and he left me. 

"I'd lost you!" I cried. "You were gone but you wouldn't stay away. And it hurt. Over and over again. I couldn't do it. So yeah, I was leaving. I deserved it but I couldn't stay. You didn't want me,"

The silence that fell between us was overwhelming. My breaths were harsh and painful. Aaron shuffled forward with socked feet and I backed up but soon realised I had nowhere to go. If he touched me I would shatter into a thousand shards. 

"I always wanted you," Aaron whispered. "Rob, please. You wanted me to forget you,"

For the first time since he found my stupid letter, I met his eyes. I saw his longing to help me, save me from the shadows that had already swallowed me whole. He reached out calloused fingers and I shook my head and stepped backward. 

"You still should,"

Shock rippled across Aaron's face. I span on my heel and bolted out of the front door.

"ROBERT!"

..................................................................................................

 

It was like running into the arctic and I shuddered without my jacket but I couldn't stop running. Aaron was faster than me but this time I had to be more. I had taken him by surprise, he hadn't had the time to put on his shoes and follow me. Not even Aaron would brave our driveway in only his socks. But he wouldn't be far behind me. If he was frightened enough it wouldn't take long for Vic and Adam to come for me. I ducked my head and ran into the wind. It was late enough for the streets to be empty but there was still the hum in the air. As much as I wanted to I wouldn't be able to avoid everyone. Paddy came lumbering down the street, a phone pressed against his ear and I dodged behind a car. A part of me knew that it was ridiculous to be hiding from Aaron's family but they weren't mine and they had only ever tried to belittle me. Where were they when I needed help? Paddy moved on and I eased back into the light, wiping tears furiously away and ignoring my phone buzzing in my pocket. Before I knew it, I was standing on the town line. I had been here countless times before. My heart shattered at my feet, a bag over my shoulder and an invisible thread tethering me to Aaron. Wishing with everything in me that I had the courage to run but knowing I couldn't. Because there was a chance that Aaron might love me again. 

Footsteps pounded up behind me. 

"ROB! STOP!" 

An angry blur of blonde hair crashed into my chest with a shriek. Liv trembled against me, her hands scrunching up the fabric of my shirt and she shoved her nose into my gut. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders as a biting wind blew around us. 

"Where's your coat, Liv? It's freezing out here,"

"Shut up!" 

She shoved me with all the strength she had, normally it wouldn't have done anything but a pebble unbalanced me and I ended up on the ground. I stared up at Liv from a puddle with wide eyes. Her hair had come loose from her ponytail and she was wearing the hoodie Aaron had accused me of stealing. The air around her was electrified with her anger and there was nothing I could have said to defuse it. We had been here before. 

"You shouldn't be out this late. It's not safe," I said. 

"Stop talking like you care about us. You were going to leave us, weren't you? I thought you were passed that,"

My head snapped up, "What do you mean?"

"I saw you. Packing your bags. How could you?"

That had been another endless day. A fight with Vic, Rebecca parading around the village and the first day Aaron had been without his ring. Something in me had died a little that day. Leaving felt like the only way to save myself. Because there had been hours where I had stared down a handful of pills or wondered what would happen if I didn't look both ways before crossing the street. Would I be missed? Would they cry for me? I dragged myself to my feet, the seat of my jeans dripping down my leg. Liv was so alike her brother as she stood and dared me to move. She skittered away as I tried to comfort her and it hurt more than it should have. 

"I do care about you, Liv. You know that," 

"Aaron showed me your letter. Did you honestly think that we would just let you go? That we wouldn't spend every single day of the rest of our lives trying to find you?"

"I thought you'd move on," She pushed me again, hard. "OW! Liv stop it," 

"No! You made a mistake and you had to pay for it. That's all, you were paying for it. We didn't want you to go away,"

I bit my tongue and looked away, the bus pulled into the station. Deep down I knew that Liv hadn't really meant the words she had spat at me months ago. I had ruined the first real family she'd ever had and she was hurt. But knowing that didn't erase my pain. The lingering doubts were still screaming in my head. A few months wouldn't silence them. Liv was back in my arms before I could think, clutching me with a frightening desperation. 

"I'm sorry," She wept, "Please don't go. You make him better. You make us better,"

"...Liv," 

My shirt was wet from her tears and she felt so fragile in my grasp. "Please, stay. I love you," 

Somehow, Liv put the warmth back in my body and I gasped at the sudden heat. She healed a festering wound that I thought had been scabbed over. I dragged her even firmer against my chest, pressing a kiss to her head. I'd forgotten that this hot head of a girl had become my sister. 

"I'm not leaving you or Aaron. I promise, kiddo. I'm so so sorry. I love you too," 

She wiped her nose on my chest, "We forgive you. Come home? Aaron's really worried," 

A different kind of guilt came rushing back. "Oh crap,"

Liv giggled.

...........................................................................................

I heard the commotion inside the Mill from the end of the driveway. The lights were on and people were screaming at each other. Someone threw my name about and Aaron shouted, the pain in his voice like a bullet through my chest. Liv swung on my hand and I took strength from her. Her grip was tight just in case I changed my mind. I crept down the gravel, wishing that I was stealthier than I really was. Liv opened the door and we both took in the mess I had left behind. In the minutes, I had been gone the sofa cushions had been thrown to the floor and the coffee table overturned. The books had been ripped from the bookcase, some pages torn and crumpled. In the middle of the mess, weeping into Chas' shoulder was Aaron. She hushed him softly but he was passed the stage where he could be reasoned with. This man was made up of rage, torment and grief and I hated that I had been the reason he had escaped the box Aaron kept him in. Adam sat on the sofa, watching as he fell apart.

"He's gone, Mum. It wasn't enough, I'm never going to see him again. I won't even know if he's alive. What if he's done something stupid?" He sobbed. 

Chas hummed a wordless lullaby, "We'll find him. He'll be ok,"

"He's broken and I didn't see it! What kind of a husband am I? I'm useless," 

"No you're not," Chas cut me off before I could speak, "You're the best thing that ever happened to that boy. He'll come back to you and when he does everything will be different. I know now, so does Paddy and Vic. We'll look after him, just like a family should do," 

"A family?" 

My words were in the air before I realised I had spoken them and all faces turned to me. Liv never let go of my hand even though my palm was sweaty and clammy. I jammed my free hand over my mouth as if that would keep back the torrent of words I wanted to say. Aaron barged through Liv and Adam and threw himself at me. I caught him securely and welcomed his strength again. He had always been my courage. I dropped my forehead to his and his breath fanned over my cheeks. He pressed a kiss to the tip of my nose and I chuckled. 

"Don't you ever do that to me again. I thought...I thought...,"

"I know what you thought. And I'm sorry,"

"Vic won't let me wrap you in cotton wool but I want too. Says, you'd hate it. I won't if you talk to me. To us. We're your family," 

There was that word again. The one I had been tying myself in knots to earn. I had tried to be nicer, to loose the vicious tongue and the sharp wit that had gotten me into trouble to many times before. I made sure to be home on time, to have tea on the table and be polite to the people who had back stabbed me. They wanted me to be the golden boy so that's what I had tried to be. But maybe, just maybe, they would let me be myself instead. I let Aaron take my weight, knowing that he would keep me steady and sighed. 

"I'm so tired. I don't know what to do anymore," 

Aaron led me over to the sofa and shoved Adam up so that we could both sit down. He looped one arm over my shoulders and Liv took my hand. Chas righted the table and perched on it, Adam strategically between me and the door. I looked down, Aaron had his shoes on.

"You don't have to do anything. The world can wait," 

I snorted a wet laugh, "It can't. If it stops then I have time to think and that's even worse. I'm sorry. You deserve better than me," 

"I don't want better. I want messed up forever. With you," Aaron said.

I dragged my knees up to my chest and buried my face in them. Aaron's hand brushed through my hair and Vic pressed herself against my arm. A part of me didn't want her here, she didn't need to know how screwed up her brother was but I knew that I would need her. I would need them all. 

"Robert, I need you to listen to me, ok?" Chas spoke up. I nodded against my jeans, "What happened with Rebecca? The letter makes it sound like you said no and she ignored you," 

I froze.

"Mum!" Aaron hissed. 

"If she did then it's serious. We need to know,"

"I was drunk, Chas," 

"Did you say no?"

_I-I love, Aaron...not you...no! Aaron?_

I let out a wounded cry and screamed into my knees. Aaron snatched me up and sheltered me away from the world. He whispered empty words into my ear that gave me something to focus on. In that moment, he was the only thing keeping me tethered to reality and I hated it. I wanted to drift away into the sky where nothing could hurt me. Aaron dug his fingers into my forearm and dragged me back to him.

"I didn't...I didn't...she...I'm so sorry. I didn't want her but I don't know if I said no. I don't remember. Don't hate me, please. I'm sorry,"

"Christ," Adam swore, "Please stop saying that. Look at me. The consent it dubious at best, this isn't your fault," 

"I called her," 

"Yeah, I know. You fucked up and the entire village knows it. It feels like they're waiting for the next thing you do wrong. Then they can run back and tell Aaron that they were right and you aren't worth it. Am I right?"

I pulled away from Aaron and locked eyes with the man who had cheated on my sister. The one who knew what it was like to drag himself out of the fallout. 

"You know you are. But I'm trying to be better," 

Adam lent forward and there was a strange fire in his eyes. He clasped my wrist and shook it. 

"No, you're trying to be someone else. Aaron doesn't want anyone else. He wants you, all of you. The hot headed, arrogant, smug twat that he fell in love with. Not this strange shadow you've become," 

"I don't know what you're talking about," 

"So I didn't see you ignore a man who insulted you because of who you're married too? We don't want you to change, man," 

I pinched the bridge of my nose between my finger and thumb, "I thought you did," 

Aaron's gentle hands framed my face and pulled me back around to him. I caught a stray tear that twisted down his cheek. 

"You're enough, baby. You are more than enough. I love you just the way you are. You save me every single day. I don't need a fantasy man, I've got you,"

The sobs that punched out of me were jagged and harsh. I couldn't remember the last time I cried this hard. Aaron said nothing, just gathered me in closer and pressed butterfly kisses to my face. A second hand that I knew but was still foreign to me touched my jaw and the surprise made me look up. Chas smiled at me, her eyes full of something that looked remarkably like affection. I stared at her, baffled and bizarrely hopeful. She brought her other hand up and comb it through my hair. Her touch was so soft that it brought back memories of a mother's love. I had to close my eyes against the rush of emotions. 

"The things you've done don't define you, Robert. I'm sorry that I let you think they did. They're in the past now, where they belong," I opened my eyes to stare slack jawed at Chas. She sounded so sincere but I just couldn't believe her. "Lord knows that everyone in the village is guilty of something. It was worse because you had Aaron's heart and you broke it. I thought you were better than that. But now I see how alone you must have felt. Who could you turn to? Aaron was in jail, Liv was to young and I wasn't coping,"

I bit my quivering lip, "I let you down, Chas,"

To my surprise, she shook her head. "You didn't. You were hurt and lashed out. It happens. I saw you pushing us away and I didn't help you. I'm sorry, Rob,"

"Thank you,"

She kissed my forehead and surrendered me back to Aaron's welcoming embrace. I stared at my nails, trying to sort out the emotions swirling through me. Could I be brave enough to let myself believe that I had a family?

.........................................................................................

It took a full hour of promises that I would be here in the morning before everyone left. Liv refused to return to the pub and retreated to her room. We shared a secret look as she shut the door. Aaron hovered at the bedside, a question he hadn't been brave enough to ask all night on his lips. I unlaced my shoes and kicked them under the bed. Aaron stepped up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, I sunk back into his hold.

"Go on, ask,"

"Did you try to hurt yourself?"

Even though I expected the question, it was still a punch to my stomach. Ashamed, I nodded and waited for the shouting to start. Only it never came and I got a tender kiss pressed to the back of my neck instead.

"It wasn't to get attention," I said quickly, sick to my stomach that he could read it wrong, "I wouldn't have done it to get you back. And it only crossed my mind a few times. I didn't actually do it,"

He rubbed his hands over my abdomen as my panicked words faded. It was a taboo between the two of us. I knew what it had done to Aaron and I hated that I had almost fallen down the same hole. How could I pull him out of his darkness when I couldn't fight my own. Aaron turned me around in his arms and gave me a kiss that was so gentle and loving that it took my breath away. I melted into him.

"Just knowing that you thought it is enough. I'm sorry that I pushed you to hard and you couldn't come to me. There will never be a day where I won't be here for you. If you ever feel like that again you tell me. We'll fight it together," 

"Together,"

We both knew that it wasn't that easy and sometimes, demons couldn't be vanquished with words and kisses. But it helped to know that I wasn't alone anymore. I didn't have to write lists to keep myself on the straight and narrow. Eventually, I would be ok. Aaron and our family would make sure of that. My husband shuffled me in his arms and brought out another piece of paper. It was pink and looked as if it had been stolen from Liv's scrapbook. The words were written with sparkly black gel pen that smelled of chocolate. Aaron smiled shyly and pressed it into my hand.

"I wrote you another list, just in case,"

  * You make me smile.
  * I'm safe when I'm with you.
  * You protect me from the nightmares.
  * You put up with me when I'm grumpy. 
  * You love me.
  * The way you laugh.
  * Your freckles.
  * How you are with Liv. 
  * You're my entire world and I'm lost without you. 
  * You're a twat. 
  * You can't dance.
  * Your silly shirts. 
  * You make me want to be better.



I looked up at him with tears in my eyes, "What this?"

He smiled so beautifully even though his face was scarlet, "The reasons I love you. And every day I'm going to add more to it. You'll never have to doubt me again,"

It was all I could do to press a kiss to his lips and thank every single God in existence that I had been stronger than my demons. That I had lived.

 

 


End file.
